This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 17, 2020
January 11
"I tried to tell y'all." - Henrietta Lacks https://t.co/TKJBKGJAzx
— Eric Haywood (@EricHaywood) January 12, 2020
In Iran if a 12-year-old girl is raped and impregnated by her father, she must carry the baby to term, or be thrown in prison for life. Wait, sorry, no. That's Alabama.
— Mohamad Safa (@mhdksafa) January 11, 2020
i cannot believe
— Elizabeth May (@_ElizabethMay) January 11, 2020
I CANNOT BELIEVE
I C A N N O T B E L I E V E
that some of you out there spent $75 on a fucking candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina
this goddamn candle IS SOLD OUT
all of you need a time out
you're all fired
JAIL TIME
TIME FOR JAIL
No, I was not aware Steve-O was the host of the greatest show in the history of television. pic.twitter.com/0ZxIaP5hPt
— Blattman (@davidblattman) January 12, 2020
the guy in the grey coat just sits there and doesn't move the entire time incredible https://t.co/MzsR7bOQn6
— jordan (@JordanUhl) January 12, 2020
January 12
— Gwdihŵ 🦉 (@youwouldknow) January 12, 2020
I got absolutely fucking owned by my brother's 21 year old girlfriend yesterday pic.twitter.com/tFeI32h96n
— Samantha Ruddy 👩🍳 (@samlymatters) January 12, 2020
Idiot roommate just washed my cast iron underwear. 6 years of seasoning down the drain.
— MAN SEEKING LUNCH (@shutupmikeginn) January 13, 2020
I'm concerned that you're in February already https://t.co/K7TfnBDqYg
— A💲I (@Tak_KingCole) January 12, 2020
This guy who texted my number by accident has an unbelievable commitment to shooting his shot. pic.twitter.com/58psRClGch
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 12, 2020
Lmmfaooooo pic.twitter.com/LtJQEjG7LY
— a s i a . 🍯 (@___Age) January 12, 2020
Ordered an Uber and forgot my headphones at home 😒 pic.twitter.com/nJ33WubWu7
— AJ MARROQUIN (@ajdeluxe_) January 12, 2020
If anyone has a right to be mad at Harry and Meghan it's the people of Sussex, who have been left leaderless without their Duke and who are now defenseless against incursions from Hampshire and Kent.
— anne victoria clark (@annevclark) January 12, 2020
Lol. Metallica gave $750,000. https://t.co/l45HkUKhIK
— Thick Cave & the Bad Tweets™ (@TimDuffy) January 12, 2020
Here for doctors educating people about vaccines on TikTokhttps://t.co/tY2A5INEoH pic.twitter.com/IVyD7xpihP
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) January 13, 2020
January 13
ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about "cover your pin" mf you the thief
— Pre K ❄️ (@stayfrea_) January 14, 2020
fellas, is it gay to have a wife? https://t.co/aQyuaBmj0X
— JP (@jpbrammer) January 14, 2020
CHRISTIANS: this verse in the old testament says X
— Just Say Christian (@JustSayXtian) January 14, 2020
JEWS: It doesn't say that
CHRISTIAN: maybe. Who knows?
JEWS: we do. That's not in the Hebrew
CHRISTIAN: no one knows what the original language means
JEWS: Yes we do. We can read it.
CHRISTIAN: It's lost forever
January 14
MODERATOR: Senator Sanders, can a woman be president?
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) January 15, 2020
BERNIE SANDERS: A woman has as much right to be president as she does to be a drummer for The White Stripes
MODERATOR: Touche pic.twitter.com/rGFrihaozb
The fact that the Oscars doesn't have a host doesn't bode well for Parasite. pic.twitter.com/uR171iZ16x
— Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) January 14, 2020
The pitch vs the first draft pic.twitter.com/EVCg7fyLJi
— Hannah Yoest (@ruthyoest) January 14, 2020
Fun fact: Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel while on his back cause once they're on their shell a turtle can't flip over
— Steeve again (@steeve_again) January 14, 2020
Weezer: Weezer (1994) https://t.co/Mc7ApUXdWo
— Andrew Rose Gregory (@arosegregory) January 14, 2020
CNN covers Bernie like the Daily Bugle does Spider-Man
— luke . (@lukeoneil47) January 15, 2020
I'm reading the leaked Colin Trevorrow draft for Episode IX. It's much better than what JJ Abrams produced pic.twitter.com/EaxWWS8Cig
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) January 14, 2020
January 15
chumbawamba: we sing 'i get knocked down but i get up again' 4 times
— Ross Sayers (@Sayers33) January 15, 2020
british public: ok
chumbawamba: then list alcoholic drinks
british public: good
chumbawamba: eh...then sing danny boy for no reason
british public: this will be the anthem of our nation
It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
— Tony Starch (@_CakeBawse) January 15, 2020
Going on Jeopardy in 2004 was just a long con to someday hit up Alanis Morissette for free stuff. https://t.co/FVOws3gbKj
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 16, 2020
I'm feeling a little smug that he sued my little 900 follower account for calling him a treasonous cowpoke #CalledIt #TreasonousCowpoke #LevRemembers https://t.co/HBXmGt6r5z
— Devin Nunes' cow 🐮 (@DevinCow) January 16, 2020
January 16
I went on a date with a young woman who didn't wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she's well because I wasn't sticking around for that.
— Smoke (@terrill) January 16, 2020
"I don't need any more books. I need to finish the books I have."
— Josh Reavis (@joshreavis) January 16, 2020
Sees new book:
pic.twitter.com/2SuoiV54FG
My favorite part of having sex with my boyfriend is waiting for his 17 roommates to go to bed so I can march my cum drenched body to their shared single bathroom and hover over a pube covered toilet
— Harper-Rose (@HarperRoseD) January 17, 2020
Fun Fact: If you say "I don't know Lev Parnas" out loud, his lawyer will tweet out a photo of you posing with Parnas.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) January 17, 2020
January 17
Obama: 8 yrs
— Bishop Talbert Swan (@TalbertSwan) January 17, 2020
0 indictments
0 lawsuits
0 rape accusations
0 articles of impeachment
Trump: 3 yrs
34 indictments
3500 lawsuits
22 rape accusations
2 articles of impeachment
Attached is the first page of a five page letter in which the lawyer for @DevinNunes threatens that Rep Nunes will sue me.
— Ted Lieu (@tedlieu) January 17, 2020
Attached is my response. pic.twitter.com/bWAqdRhq97
Trust fall... pic.twitter.com/tOQUPkIECU
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) January 17, 2020
Cashier: and would you like to donate to childrens cancer research?
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) January 17, 2020
Me: not today
Cashier: say it
Me: what?
Cashier: say "I dont want to donate to childrens cancer research"
Me: ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵈᵒⁿᵃᵗᵉ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ ʳᵉˢᵉᵃʳᶜʰ
Cashier: now spit in my face
Trump's Space Force troops wearing camo in space is perhaps the strongest evidence yet that Idiocracy is a documentary https://t.co/WG1Yo7fAIb
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) January 18, 2020
walked outside and seen my maintenance man squaring up w a opossum 😂 pic.twitter.com/EAiYG4wzoC
— TERA 🤰🏾 (@cvtera) January 17, 2020
THIS GUY RULES. Imagine the other mold-covered 18th century dumb-dumbs looking at this guy having a ball with paint and they're all going "You're not allowed to do fun art, prithee and thouforth" https://t.co/bzuUqvcPsK
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) January 17, 2020
conservative lecturer DESTROYS sjw college student pic.twitter.com/QmrIaqsonq
— JEREMY (@jeremylevick) January 17, 2020